Dare to Breathe Read online

  Dare to Breathe

  By

  M. Homer

  Credits Page

  Eternal Press

  A division of Damnation Books, LLC.

  P.O. Box 3931

  Santa Rosa, CA 95402-9998

  www.eternalpress.biz

  Dare to Breathe

  by M. Homer

  Digital ISBN: 978-1-62929-089-8

  Print ISBN: 978-1-62929-090-4

  Cover art by: Amanda Kelsey

  Edited by: Sally Odgers

  Copyright 2013 M. Homer

  Printed in the United States of America

  Worldwide Electronic & Digital Rights

  Worldwide English Language Print Rights

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned or distributed in any form, including digital and electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the prior written consent of the Publisher, except for brief quotes for use in reviews.

  This book is a work of fiction. Characters, names, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Dedication page

  I’d like to dedicate this book to Paul. You were a great friend, and godfather to us and we miss you, your crazy sense of humor and your warm laughter every day.

  The publication of this book would never have occurred but for the support and advice from my cousin Amanda Begg. Amanda read the first draft, fell in love

  with the characters, and gave me the positive feedback I needed to send it to Eternal Press. Amanda, who lives on the other side of the world from me had to put up with early morning texts, late night emails, and constant messages of, “What did you think?” or “Did you like that?”

  Thank you Manda for reading and editing the first draft of this manuscript and for encouraging me to keep going!

  I’d also like to acknowledge my husband, Mike and my two gorgeous children. Thank you for putting up with me locked away, desperate to complete a scene while it was burning a hole in my head. I love you guys.

  “The experiences of childhood are not like footprints in the sand. They are like footprints in cement—long lasting.”

  —Children’s Commissioner, NZ

  Sam

  Chapter One

  I feel my legs go to sleep as I sit cramped in the wardrobe with Alex and Fred, my younger brothers. I shift to get some feeling back and the pain is excruciating. I really need a pee but I am terrified to leave my hiding place here. The boys in their pajamas look at me with their big doleful eyes. Both are shivering and both look as scared as I feel. I try and smile at them but my legs and body hurt too much. I want to say something to them but my mouth is too dry. Suddenly we all freeze as we hear bang, bang, bang on the door.

  “Open this fucking door, now!” a voice shouts from outside the locked bedroom door.

  I squeeze my eyes shut and huddle closer to my brothers who start whimpering.

  “Please stop!” I shout out in my mind but, of course, it doesn’t stop.

  The banging just gets louder like someone out there is pounding with all their strength. I hear loud music in the background and lots of loud voices coming from the living room. No one remembers we are here other than the person banging on the door. The one person we wish would forget we even existed.

  Suddenly we hear the hinges of the door give way and the wood cracks open.

  “They are in here somewhere,” we hear a man sneer.

  Oh, no. I think, we are in trouble now.

  Two sets of footsteps come to the door and fling it wide open. I open my mouth and scream and scream and scream.

  “Sam, Jesus, wake up!” My roommate Jess is shaking me.

  For a second I fight against her, still feeling like a six-year-old child stuck in the wardrobe hearing something terrifying approaching. Then my college room comes into focus and I relax, breathing hard.

  Jess lets me go and walks away to her bed, shaking her wild blonde bed head as she goes.

  “Jess,” I gasp trying to calm my racing heart while wiping my long sweaty hair off my face, “I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

  She frowns at me. “This is starting to freak me out! We’ve been here for a couple of weeks now and this has happened four times already! I am exhausted all day from waking you up every night. Maybe this is not going to work…” she says, waving her hands between us.

  I met Jess for the first time when I moved here to Rainbow Springs to start my degree in child psychology. Jess is doing some sort of business degree. She is a pretty hard worker. I feel really guilty as I look into her tired hazel eyes. I knew about my nightmares before I came (of course) but as I have had them my whole life, they have just become a part of who I am. I forgot the impact they can have on others when I signed up to share a dorm on campus. At home my family simply hold me until I wake up, soothing me with a song they repeat over and over, about a little bird that flew away. We never speak about it afterwards. After years of trying, they have given up.

  I clear my throat and take a sip of water. “I am really sorry,” is all I can say to her. I can’t say I won’t do it again, because I will. When your mind has been haunted for as long as mine, you know the horror lives within with no idea of how to free it.

  I see her eyes soften. “Let’s try and get some more sleep, okay?” she mumbles, then pulls her covers over herself and turns away from me, sleeping almost immediately.

  I, on the other hand, lie there, my heart still beating rapidly, my mind still picturing that damn cupboard and the horrors outside of it.

  By the time I wake up in the morning, the sun is streaming into our small room and Jess has already left for the day. A note is pinned up on our corkboard.

  We need to talk, it says. I close my eyes, sighing. I pull the memo off the corkboard, crumple it, and throw it into the bin. What can I do to fix this? Maybe I should find a new room. Maybe there will be one available that I can have alone? One that doesn’t cost more? Yeah right!

  I head into the bathroom and look at myself in the bathroom mirror. My normally bright blue eyes are tired with big rings around them and my long black hair lies limp against my face. Nice! I won’t be winning any beauty prizes today.

  I peel off my tank top and shorts and jump in the shower. I feel the hot water burning away the nightmares. I wash my hair and feel myself become more alert. Yes, I think, trying to be positive, today I will go and talk to the housing department. There must be something available.

  Feeling more confident about taking control of my life, I get out of the shower, dry off and put on a pair of jeans and a clean tank top. I dry and brush my hair and then tie it up off my face. I quickly add some eyeliner and mascara to my crystal blue eyes and take the time to look at my sad efforts. I look less tired now but still no beauty queen. Never mind! I grab my sneakers, keys and bag, and head out.

  “What is it exactly that you are looking for?” A bored middle aged lady looks at me over her glasses. Her name badge says ‘Tracey’. I see her eyes watching my every move, probably looking for signs of trouble.

  “Um, well Tracey…I was hoping there was a dorm I could have to myself?” I try not to fidget on the plastic seat next to her desk.

  She pulls her glasses off, closes her eyes, and pinches the bridge of her nose. Then she looks at me and sighs. “What is wrong with your roommate?”

  She has probably had these types of housing issues all week. I guess when people come together for the first time there must be a whole heap of crap for the housing department at the college to sort out.

  “Nothing,” I
reply but continue when I see her patience levels drop. “It’s me. I have really bad nightmares, always have,” I go on quickly, “and she is tired of the broken sleep. I never thought about it before I applied for a shared room which I know is stupid,” I babble. “Now she is fed up and I think I should just stop the torture for everyone and get my own place.”

  Tracey looks at me and I wonder if she is going to counsel me or something. I know if she does, I will just get up and walk away. I am so not going there!

  Instead she considers what I said and then turns to her computer and starts clicking away on the keys, scanning the screen.

  “Hmm, okay…well…nope, not that one,” she mutters to herself. She continues for what feels like forever and I take the opportunity to start biting my nails and looking around the office. Suddenly she stops and looks over at me again with a little smile. “Well, Miss Marsh,” she starts and I give her my full attention. “I don’t have a separate dorm available but I do have a co-ed house just off campus, walking distance, which requires one more roommate? You get your own room,” she adds quickly when she sees my disappointment.

  “I dunno…”

  She cuts me off. “It is a four-bedroomed property which is reasonable to rent, within the same budget you have now as the room is quite small and away from the other three rooms, which are all upstairs,” she finishes triumphantly.

  Do I want a co-ed house share off campus? I have made it my mission in life all through high school to avoid boys and now I might be living with some?

  “Look Sam,” she says, leaning forward, her face softening, “this is all I have at this stage. You can either take it or well…try and get the nightmares under control so you don’t have to move.”

  I look down at my hands and just shake my head. “No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful. It sounds perfect,” I whisper back at her. “Please can you call them and see if I can have the room you suggested?”

  “Sure thing,” she replies. I watch her make the calls and tap away on the keyboard again.

  Ten minutes later, she stops and gives me a beaming smile. “Right, all sorted! They are expecting you there tonight and will show you the room and hand you a key.”

  I thank her and walk dejectedly back to my dorm to pack up my things and start again. All I wanted was a fresh, positive new start and it seems I have already messed it up. I spend the whole day packing my things and tidying up my side of the room. I should be in class, but this is more important for now. Jess comes bounding in at 4:00 p.m. and stops short when she sees all my boxes in a corner. Her face takes on a look of guilt and then relief, which makes me feel really bad about messing up her nights.

  “So, you are going?” she asks, sitting down on her bed and pulling off her shoes. Jess is a really petite and beautiful girl with lots of male admirers. I know because she often brings them home with her. I smile internally when I realize, gratefully, at least I won’t have to walk in on anything when I have my own room. “Yes. Look, I know the nightmares have been a pain to you and if I could stop them, I wouldn’t be going,” I say to her earnestly. “It’s been awesome living here with you but I do understand you need your sleep.”

  “Well, it’s certainly been ‘interesting’,” is all she replies but then adds, “I am sure I’ll see you around and maybe we can hang out sometime after classes?” With that, she stands up, gives me a quick hug and heads off into the bathroom.

  I should be annoyed at her casual approach but then I remember this is my problem, not hers. I go back and forth to my old trusty Ford with the boxes until everything is secure. I take out the piece of paper with my new address and place it on the dashboard. Then I go up to the room for one last sweeping look, place my keys down on Jess’s cabinet and close the door. I don’t look back once.

  Chapter Two

  I arrive in five minutes as the new house is close by the dorms. I stop the car and take in my home. It is an old building that has definitely seen better days. The street is lined with similar houses with students going in and out. There is a buzz to the place. This is a ‘party street’ for sure! That makes my heart drop a little but I look around for something positive. The house has a small garden out front like my own home, only messier. It has unpainted deck chairs where people sit talking and having a smoke. I wonder if these are my housemates.

  I see two girls sitting on the steps leading up to the house. They are chatting and laughing and seem really at ease. On the deck chairs I notice one boy sitting, eyes closed, smoking a cigarette. On the other chair which is facing away from me, I see the back of a head with short dark hair. This looks like a pretty relaxed group. I suddenly notice the girls are looking at my car curiously.

  “Shit, I better get out before they think I’m a freak,” I mutter.

  I get out and walk towards them trying to keep a smile and look ‘normal.’

  “Hey, I’m Sam,” I say as I approach.

  Their friendly faces lock onto mine and I see one of the girls quickly glance over to the boys on the chairs.

  “Hey, nice to meet you Sam, I’m Mandy and this is Carrie.” Mandy stands up and smiles. She is beautiful with long blonde hair and long tanned legs. She is a little taller than me with warm friendly eyes. She wears jean shorts and a pink T-shirt and I see she has been in the warm sun all day.

  Carrie is much shorter with cropped brown hair that shows all the angles of her face. With her pale skin and big sapphire eyes, Carrie is beautiful too and suddenly I feel insecure.

  “Those guys over there are Ben and Nathan,” Mandy continues, pointing towards the garden.

  I turn and glance in their direction with a quick wave but my nerves take over and I look back at Mandy and Carrie.

  Carrie’s eyes crinkle as she notices my discomfort but she pulls me toward the house. “Come on in,” she says, “I’ll show you your room.”

  I go with her and Mandy trails behind. She pulls me into a surprisingly clean house. It has a small foyer with a door that leads into the kitchen. Straight ahead is a stairway and a living room is off on the left hand side. I love it instantly!

  We go into the kitchen which has a breakfast bar that seats four and a fridge that is just freaking massive.

  Carrie sees me eyeing the fridge and laughs. “Beer fridge,” she says and walks on. I see Mandy smiling. They must be joking…I hope!

  Just off the kitchen, as Tracey, the housing lady said, is a tiny bedroom. I suspect it was once a pantry, but it is mine, all mine, and for the first time today, I give a genuine smile.

  “I love it!” I say to the girls who have come in behind me.

  Mandy looks at me curiously. “Seriously?” she asks. “I thought no one would want this room! When they called and said you specifically wanted it, we were all blown away.”

  “Nope,” I reply. “This is perfect for me.”

  Carrie and Mandy shake their heads in disbelief, but I see they are relieved.

  “Well, whatever floats your boat,” Carrie says, and laughs.

  They take me through the rest of the house and I see all their rooms are upstairs. The only bathroom in this whole house is upstairs which does make me wonder how the five of us will share it, but I figure we will work it out.

  “This is our room,” Mandy shows me opening the door to a massive room with a bed on either side. “My side is the tidy side.” Mandy tells me with a wink.

  “This is Ben’s room,” Carrie says as we walk down the hall. She opens a door on the left and points to a messy room with clothes all over the floor. She wrinkles her nose and quickly shuts the door behind her. “Lastly, this is Nathan’s room.” She opens the door at the end of the hallway.

  The room is small too but what surprises me is how empty it looks. It seems Nathan has less stuff than I do. Carrie watches my face carefully and sighs. “By the way, Nathan is a bit of a chick magnet. Mandy and I have made a deal not to get involved with him okay? It would just mess everything up and we like living here.” She st
ops and looks at me with her hands crossed in front of her chest. Is she kidding? I take a quick glance at Mandy who is nervously biting her lip and looking at the ground. Oh, shit. they actually want me to say something.

  “Umm…well trust me ladies,” I say with a small humorless smile. “I have no intention of getting involved with anyone!” If they knew my track record with boyfriends we would not even be having this conversation.

  They look at me intently then glance at each other.

  “Well, that’s all good then,” Carrie says, grabbing my hand, the tension gone from her face and body. “Let’s go introduce you properly to the wolves!”

  We head back downstairs towards the kitchen where I hear male voices. When we get there, the boys are sitting on the bar stools and their conversation stops. For the first time I take a proper look at them both. The one who was outside smoking has light-colored hair that is fairly long and falls into his face. He is tall and slim but well built. He reminds me of a typical surfer boy. His emerald eyes stare back at me with a small interested smile.

  “Hi, I’m Ben,” he says, standing up and coming up to me to shake my hand.

  I take an immediate automatic step backwards and just wave an awkward hello. I haven’t let a male touch me for a long, long time and although I know I must seem weird, I just can’t make myself start now.

  Ben’s smile falters for a moment but then he drops his hand and waves back, retreating to his chair.

  I try to make the situation less embarrassing. “Um…Hi Ben, nice to meet you.”

  His smile grows bigger and he nods back, stuffing a chip in his mouth, eyes still locked on me with interest.

  Another deep voice breaks my trance. “Hello Sam, I’m Nathan.”

  I look over at the voice and all the blood rushes to my face. This boy is seriously gorgeous and I know my body is betraying me with a furious blush. His dark hair flops over his face too but in a sexy rumpled way. His brown eyes are piercing and right now they are looking straight through my soul. Nathan does not rise to shake my hand and I feel instantly grateful. My eyes drop to his mouth which is slightly open. He has the most beautiful lips I have ever seen and for an instant I wonder what they would feel like on mine. What the hell is wrong with me?